2020

The new year happens in just under 25 hours.

I'll probably be spending it alone.

I want to be excited and hopeful for the new year like everyone else. However, I'm not there. I'm stressing about my education, my job, money, personal growth, family, etc. I don't want to disappoint people this year, but I feel it's inevitable. I don't know.

Being alone is tragic but routine.

I wish I could just sleep until June and see where I am when I wake up. Did I get into school? Did I keep my job? Did I make it to my sister's graduation? Am I moving?

I don't know.

Karma

Why isn't life more reflective of Karma?
Must we continue to give, give, give and get nothing in return?
Are we misunderstanding that which we get in return?

[insert afrocentric hair pick]

You
are like a crash course for beauty.
Spinning, spiraling and turning with no direction.
You're indecisive.
Frustratingly so.
But
Sometimes there's beauty in your internal separation.
You mimic the clouds.
In shape and size, sometimes high, sometimes low.
You draw the attention of onlookers, as they marvel at your shapeshifting.
You
literally create an unrecognizable world with every shape you take.

The Servant Without Any Talents

I'm writing an editorial piece on this and I will come back with a complete piece in the future.

Hello? Is Anyone Out There?

Wrestling with God or my idea of God as of late.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and trying to understand myself better. I don't have much to share, honestly. Just trying to navigate through life and decide who I want to be.

If I've been distant, it's because I'm trying to decide if this life is for me or the next.

Anyways.

I'm so very unhappy and I'm not sure anything will or can ever change that. I don't want to live unhappy life forever. But I fear that is what I'm destined for.

I have a lot of decisions to make.

Holistic Exhaustion.

I'm tired. Unhappy.

I think I'm starting to dislike my job. Heavily.

Depressed. Again.

The Sunken Place

Today was my first day of school (as a teacher). New start. New year. New job. And then some.

I'm depressed. Af.

I don't understand. I'm so frustrated that I'm depressed at a seemingly exciting and new part of my life.

I feel extremely alone. None of my friends can provide the support that I need right now, which is not their job so ... its understandable. During the day, I'm okay. But once I step across the threshold of my home, I feel like I'm in the sunken place.