2020

The new year happens in just under 25 hours.

I'll probably be spending it alone.

I want to be excited and hopeful for the new year like everyone else. However, I'm not there. I'm stressing about my education, my job, money, personal growth, family, etc. I don't want to disappoint people this year, but I feel it's inevitable. I don't know.

Being alone is tragic but routine.

I wish I could just sleep until June and see where I am when I wake up. Did I get into school? Did I keep my job? Did I make it to my sister's graduation? Am I moving?

I don't know.

Karma

Why isn't life more reflective of Karma?
Must we continue to give, give, give and get nothing in return?
Are we misunderstanding that which we get in return?

[insert afrocentric hair pick]

You
are like a crash course for beauty.
Spinning, spiraling and turning with no direction.
You're indecisive.
Frustratingly so.
But
Sometimes there's beauty in your internal separation.
You mimic the clouds.
In shape and size, sometimes high, sometimes low.
You draw the attention of onlookers, as they marvel at your shapeshifting.
You
literally create an unrecognizable world with every shape you take.

The Servant Without Any Talents

I'm writing an editorial piece on this and I will come back with a complete piece in the future.

Hello? Is Anyone Out There?

Wrestling with God or my idea of God as of late.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and trying to understand myself better. I don't have much to share, honestly. Just trying to navigate through life and decide who I want to be.

If I've been distant, it's because I'm trying to decide if this life is for me or the next.

Anyways.

I'm so very unhappy and I'm not sure anything will or can ever change that. I don't want to live unhappy life forever. But I fear that is what I'm destined for.

I have a lot of decisions to make.

Holistic Exhaustion.

I'm tired. Unhappy.

I think I'm starting to dislike my job. Heavily.

Depressed. Again.

The Sunken Place

Today was my first day of school (as a teacher). New start. New year. New job. And then some.

I'm depressed. Af.

I don't understand. I'm so frustrated that I'm depressed at a seemingly exciting and new part of my life.

I feel extremely alone. None of my friends can provide the support that I need right now, which is not their job so ... its understandable. During the day, I'm okay. But once I step across the threshold of my home, I feel like I'm in the sunken place.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

My therapist gave me journal to write in so she can analyze my thought processes.

That task has given me anxiety. Thus, I have not written.

Which has given me further anxiety because I fear she'll be upset that I haven't written or feel like I haven't tried. I don't know.

I also haven't been feeling as anxious? I have no idea.

Maison Des Lunes

Listening to my favorite soundtrack.

Beauty and The Beast is wild. Like the concept is crazy.

Karma is crazy. He really got turned into a beast because he treated someone horribly because he thought they were ugly.
BUT not only was he changed, his whole household was turned into foolishness.

I feel like writing an entire dissertation on this movie.

Why didn't the beast know how to read? That doesn't make sense based on the beginning nor the "time period" of the movie. The whole movie is really based on the fact that Belle, as a woman, likes to read which is unusual for the women in her time period and for women in general.

How then, would a prince not be able to read?? Education was specifically for men and people of power. That makes no sense.

I'm also assuming that he was the irresponsible younger brother that went to live by himself because it makes no sense as to why he's alone as a prince because that implies that his parents are still alive.

How did no one know or remember this castle? Like how is no one aware of what's happening? No one checked in on him? How did this info not get out? Why does no one know about the beast?

....

I've just spent 30+ minutes doing research on the definition of prince and looking at the history of France.
Do I miss school? Is that what this is?

Tenth Chance

I hate when people flake on me. Especially last minute.

To me, that just shows that you don't care about my time. Which...hello!...rude af.

I hate feeling so alone here in ATL. It sucks. I know people but I'm not actually friends with anyone. No one is really about me and it's trash.

I know life is trying to teach me to be about myself and for that to be enough. However...it's not.

I have therapy on Tuesday. Thank. God.

Comfort Inn Ending (Freestyle)

Stressed and depressed. Up. Need to be asleep.

Tomorrow I have to wake up and drive to Huntsville to unfortunately end a friendship as well as take care of some business. Angry because I'll be missing my nail appointment. I had errands to run. I'm spending hella money I don't have.

I hate when people don't communicate their concerns. If you can't do something, say something. If you don't want to do something, say something. Stop wasting people's time, energy and money.

Scatterbrained.

The Start of Something New ft. Troy Bolton

Welp. Here goes nothing.

This blog isn't for anyone but me. I just need an outlet and this is the newest avenue I've chosen to hopefully get positive results.

Depression is a b*****. Anxiety is the assistant b*****. That's all for now.