Your God doesn't make sense.

Recently, someone in my life told me that I don't have faith and that's why my life is not where I want it to be. Naturally, I was insulted by this person assuming that I didn't possess faith. I was also dumbfounded because I know plenty of faithful people who are not where they want to be and life is equally as hard for them, some even harder. But the conversation really got me thinking about some questions and how some answers just didn't match the God that know and relate to.

1. What would you call a person who only helped you out so that you could be totally dependent on them? Meaning they would pay for your schooling, but keep your degree in their library. Meaning they would fill out your job applications for you, but keep all your pay checks. Meaning they would introduce you to the love of your life, but they would also sleep with them. 

Most people would consider that to be a toxic and manipulative friend or parent. So why is it different with God?

2. Why would God create us as humans, only to then get upset when we have human emotions? 

You're telling me, I can't be disappointed or upset or untrusting due to my life circumstances that He has complete control over??

3. If I have free will to make my own choices and decisions, why is then that things don't work out it's because He decides they aren't for me? Is it free will or not?

Pick a story. 

Because frankly, if my choices are "do what I say or suffer", I don't want any parts.

4. God wants you to try, but not too hard unless He'll think you don't trust Him. But also if you don't try at all, He's going to be upset that you're not carrying your weight or contributing. What kind of game is this??

5. If you do the wrong thing, he might still bless you. Or He might temporarily bless you and take it away. If you do the right thing, he might bless you. Or He might temporarily bless you and take it away. Very low statistics there.

5. How can you believe that God knows your life plan, yet refuses to tell it to you and is then watching you suffer in the meantime, and then think that it's love? That's love to you? Because my mother doesn't let me or any of her children suffer knowingly regardless of where our relationship stands at the time. Because THAT'S actual unconditional love. 

6. Why do I have to prove anything in order to receive love, grace and favor?? Are those not conditions? How can you love someone and watch them suffer KNOWING you have the power to stop it?? 

If all billionaires are bad people, there's no way God can exist like that and not be lumped with them. Because if you have the capability to do good, end homelessness, end world hunger, etc., you should. 

I don't know. I'm frustrated. I talk to God about my problems. I give Him credit for the miracles in my life. And it stills seems very, 25%ish to me. You can do all the right things and get nothing for it. You can do all the wrong things and get everything for it. You can do all the right things and get everything for it. You can do all the wrong things and get nothing for it.

It just seems easier to live life and hope that things are in your favor. 

Living life in fear of "what would God want me to do" is manipulative and fake. But also, not accurate. Many people have experienced horrible trauma due to someone's belief that that's what God wanted them to do (see: colonization).

I 100% believe in doing the right things, because love and kindness. I don't think you should be a good person just to get favor from God or make it into heaven or whatever He's dangling in front of you at that moment. Be a good person, just to be a good person.

That being said, I believe that God has done and will always do exactly what He wants. That's it. All we can do is just exist on this planet and try to survive and hope that we're in alignment with what He decides He wants to do. 

This has been a rant of my mind. That's all.

The Rediscovery

I miss Tumblr.
I miss the blackness it created in me.
I think I've lost that aspect. I have such insecurity right now and I think it's because I've officially moved into the "real" world (see white world). Being heavily engrossed in my black Tumblr and graduating from an HBCU definitely gave me a different perspective and now I just feel like I've been completely knocked out of it.

Idk.

Day One

Lip gloss smudge.
Stray droplet down the side.
Centimeter left.
Particles.
Cold.

Transparency.

I hate it here. I hate this job. My boss is a jerk. Everyone always has an attitude. A lot of my coworkers don't work well under pressure. Only a few people are genuinely willing to help when it matters. Most people bail at crucial moments. Obviously no one values this job so why am I expected to?

I need to get serious about my job search.

God vs Thanos

            I've recently been struggling with the idea of God and who He truly is or would be or could be. Growing up in the church, I absentmindedly knew the information presented to me but as I got older I couldn't quite grasp the idea of God that I was presented with. It didn't make sense to me how he sets things in motion, yet allows life free will. He allows us to suffer, yet He intervenes to save us from suffering. What is He gaining from this? Are we just an experiment because He's bored?

           I think Christians, specifically, have the wrong idea of God, who He is and His true role in our tiny human simulations. Last week, I attended church for a work thing (crazy right?) and the pastor preached a very interesting sermon and honestly, I don't think he even understood what he was saying. He preached on the parable of the laborers found in Matthew 20:1-16. Essentially, the story reads that a farmer went out to find laborers for his fields. Throughout the day, he goes back and forth from the farm to the market, finding laborers and offering to pay them a denarius for a day's labor, for which they agreed. However, at the end of the day, he begins calling the workers to get their pay, starting with the last workers he chose and ending with the first workers he chose. Here's where it gets interesting. As he finally called the morning workers to receive their pay, they were pissed as they realized that even those who only worked one hour were also receiving a denarius. 

But when the first came, they supposed that they would receive more; and they likewise received each a denarius. And when they had received it, they[c]complained against the landowner, saying, ‘These last men have worked only one hour, and you made them equal to us who have borne the burden and the heat of the day.’ But he answered one of them and said, ‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what is yours and go your way. I wish to give to this last man the same as to you. Is it not lawful for me to do what I wish with my own things? Or is your eye evil because I am good?’ So the last will be first, and the first last. For many are called, but few chosen.”

          This passage alone shows how passive and just God truly is. Many times people paint God to be this emotional creature who just wants what's best for us and wants us to be eternally happy and I'm just not so sure that's the case. I think God serves the purpose of neutrality and simply does what's "fair" to maintain the balance of the universe. This is where Thanos comes in.

          Marvel's Thanos is portrayed as a villain, (although I've never believed him to be), who erases half of life on planets in the universe seeking to restore balance in the universe which had become corrupt. Thanos is completely indifferent towards life on these planets as he is just simply fulfilling his claimed duty.

"Hear me and rejoice. You have had the privilege of being saved by the great Titan. You may think this is suffering. No. It is salvation.The universal scales tip towards balance because of your sacrifice.Smile. For even in death, you have become children of Thanos." -Ebony Maw (Thanos' assistant, child, squidward thing)

Thanos literally is modern-day population control, which is necessary. Even God seems to believe in population control i.e. Noah and The Ark, Revelation, etc.

         Some would consider Thanos to be the god of destruction, yet his population control of dying planets brought forth new life, which he describes as a "paradise" where children were enjoying "full bellies and clear skies". Likewise, we've been told that God creates life while being capable of destroying life as well. However, if we believe the theories of these alternative gods (see Greek mythology or anime), then God would truly only be capable of doing one, right? If God is the god of creation, then we can assume Satan to be the god of destruction. But, based on theories, that would mean they both would have to equally forever be in existence. This, however, eliminates "heaven".

           This piece really has no definite ending, because God has no definite ending, but these are just my thoughts...


"If life is left unchecked, life will cease to exist. It needs correction... I'm the only one who knows that."-Thanos

Doctor Strange is Jesus

Omg, the anti-Christ!

Actually, no, far from it.

Buckle up.

Dr. Stephen Strange. Rich, miraculous doctor. Loses the most important thing: his hands. Becomes a bum. Goes to live with the village people. Discovers a power within him and starts doing bad-ass things. Blah blah blah, he saves humanity.

Jesus Christ. A King, a God. Loses the most important thing: His full godliness. Becomes a vagabond. Goes to live with the village people. Uses power within Him and starts doing bad-ass things. Blah blah blah, He saves humanity.

Okay, these are just coincidences and literally every superhero story is similar to this. What else?

Aside from being incredibly brilliant, Dr. Strange has the powers to wield the Time Stone meaning he can control probabilities and time. He can see the future. However, he cannot, well moreso shouldn't, change the future even though he knows what will happen.

Girl, what are you even talking about?

Listen!

So, even though Dr. Strange knows the future and what will happen, he refuses to interfere so that destiny can be fulfilled. During the battle scene of Endgame, Iron Man (Tony Stark) asks Dr. Strange if this is their final chance to beat Thanos and save humanity to which Strange response, "If I tell you what happens, it won't happen." We know Tony's ego wouldn't allow him to sacrifice himself for humanity had he known that's what he was going to do. 

Enter Christ.

The Son of God is said to know all, the beginning and the end. While the Bible tells us that Jesus gave information about what's to come, nothing is concrete. Similarly to Dr. Strange, Jesus knows what will happen, yet doesn't interfere just hoping that humans will make the right choice and save themselves. 

Both Dr. Strange and Christ are crazy powerful beings just waiting and hoping humans will do the right thing. Is that not crazy?

-the unorganized and incomplete thoughts of a marvel fanatic who just watched Endgame....Again

2020

The new year happens in just under 25 hours.

I'll probably be spending it alone.

I want to be excited and hopeful for the new year like everyone else. However, I'm not there. I'm stressing about my education, my job, money, personal growth, family, etc. I don't want to disappoint people this year, but I feel it's inevitable. I don't know.

Being alone is tragic but routine.

I wish I could just sleep until June and see where I am when I wake up. Did I get into school? Did I keep my job? Did I make it to my sister's graduation? Am I moving?

I don't know.

Karma

Why isn't life more reflective of Karma?
Must we continue to give, give, give and get nothing in return?
Are we misunderstanding that which we get in return?

[insert afrocentric hair pick]

You
are like a crash course for beauty.
Spinning, spiraling and turning with no direction.
You're indecisive.
Frustratingly so.
But
Sometimes there's beauty in your internal separation.
You mimic the clouds.
In shape and size, sometimes high, sometimes low.
You draw the attention of onlookers, as they marvel at your shapeshifting.
You
literally create an unrecognizable world with every shape you take.

The Servant Without Any Talents

I'm writing an editorial piece on this and I will come back with a complete piece in the future.

Hello? Is Anyone Out There?

Wrestling with God or my idea of God as of late.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and trying to understand myself better. I don't have much to share, honestly. Just trying to navigate through life and decide who I want to be.

If I've been distant, it's because I'm trying to decide if this life is for me or the next.

Anyways.

I'm so very unhappy and I'm not sure anything will or can ever change that. I don't want to live unhappy life forever. But I fear that is what I'm destined for.

I have a lot of decisions to make.

Holistic Exhaustion.

I'm tired. Unhappy.

I think I'm starting to dislike my job. Heavily.

Depressed. Again.

The Sunken Place

Today was my first day of school (as a teacher). New start. New year. New job. And then some.

I'm depressed. Af.

I don't understand. I'm so frustrated that I'm depressed at a seemingly exciting and new part of my life.

I feel extremely alone. None of my friends can provide the support that I need right now, which is not their job so ... its understandable. During the day, I'm okay. But once I step across the threshold of my home, I feel like I'm in the sunken place.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

My therapist gave me journal to write in so she can analyze my thought processes.

That task has given me anxiety. Thus, I have not written.

Which has given me further anxiety because I fear she'll be upset that I haven't written or feel like I haven't tried. I don't know.

I also haven't been feeling as anxious? I have no idea.

Maison Des Lunes

Listening to my favorite soundtrack.

Beauty and The Beast is wild. Like the concept is crazy.

Karma is crazy. He really got turned into a beast because he treated someone horribly because he thought they were ugly.
BUT not only was he changed, his whole household was turned into foolishness.

I feel like writing an entire dissertation on this movie.

Why didn't the beast know how to read? That doesn't make sense based on the beginning nor the "time period" of the movie. The whole movie is really based on the fact that Belle, as a woman, likes to read which is unusual for the women in her time period and for women in general.

How then, would a prince not be able to read?? Education was specifically for men and people of power. That makes no sense.

I'm also assuming that he was the irresponsible younger brother that went to live by himself because it makes no sense as to why he's alone as a prince because that implies that his parents are still alive.

How did no one know or remember this castle? Like how is no one aware of what's happening? No one checked in on him? How did this info not get out? Why does no one know about the beast?

....

I've just spent 30+ minutes doing research on the definition of prince and looking at the history of France.
Do I miss school? Is that what this is?

Tenth Chance

I hate when people flake on me. Especially last minute.

To me, that just shows that you don't care about my time. Which...hello!...rude af.

I hate feeling so alone here in ATL. It sucks. I know people but I'm not actually friends with anyone. No one is really about me and it's trash.

I know life is trying to teach me to be about myself and for that to be enough. However...it's not.

I have therapy on Tuesday. Thank. God.

Comfort Inn Ending (Freestyle)

Stressed and depressed. Up. Need to be asleep.

Tomorrow I have to wake up and drive to Huntsville to unfortunately end a friendship as well as take care of some business. Angry because I'll be missing my nail appointment. I had errands to run. I'm spending hella money I don't have.

I hate when people don't communicate their concerns. If you can't do something, say something. If you don't want to do something, say something. Stop wasting people's time, energy and money.

Scatterbrained.

The Start of Something New ft. Troy Bolton

Welp. Here goes nothing.

This blog isn't for anyone but me. I just need an outlet and this is the newest avenue I've chosen to hopefully get positive results.

Depression is a b*****. Anxiety is the assistant b*****. That's all for now.